how do i attract healthy relationships?
2023. One of my favorite paradoxes is 'Freedom within restraint and commitment.' I have been on the search for freedom. For most of my early adult life, I considered freedom to mean no strings attached. I made all my life decisions solely out of what felt good to me, without consideration for the people around me. I could put the backpack on and leave with no one to tell me otherwise. I was partying, selling drugs, traveling, sleeping around a little, and soaking up all life's pleasures. Looking back, I carried weight and walls around my heart to protect it. I had a few more committed relationships during this time, but I would never let anyone in, protecting my heart from betrayal.
This lifestyle showed me the destructive part of my inner animal, not caring for how my choices affected the people around me. Although I don't regret any of these decisions, they have brought me a better understanding myself and human nature. As a man grows, I find a different perspective on freedom. Freedom within restraint, commitment, and responsibility. The further I step into my healing, purpose, and duties, the more joy, freedom, and satisfaction I feel. Slowly chipping away at the walls I have put up around my heart.
Our culture glorifies sleeping around and polyamory. I have tried, and with no judgments, there are many lessons and teachings to be heard through this lifestyle. I lived this way to avoid facing the pain of genuinely opening my heart to a partner. Over the last few years, I found that a conscious relationship based on trust and commitment is much more painful as we are forced to face some of the darkest aspects of ourselves to fully open our hearts to someone. I am not here to condemn any path; I am just sharing my perspective on what I found true today.
I know it sounds silly, but my dog Lucy was my first step in this new direction of commitment to what feels true for my unique perspective and trajectory toward freedom. I adopted Lucy two years ago after she was abandoned at my neighbor's house by two drug addicts, one of which said Lucy was being physically abused. When I first met her, she instantly jumped and licked all over me; come to find out, she hadn't moved for days sitting in the corner of the room. This began my love story with you, my sweet Lucy. I could tell she had been abused because when I would eat food, she would sit in the corner of the room shaking. When anyone, especially men, raised their voices around her, she would nod incessantly. Come to find out, she had been returned to the pound on four separate occasions between 2016 and when I adopted her. I don't know why anyone would want to abandon her because she was so sweet and well-behaved from the beginning.
When I decided to keep her, I had to obtain an emotional support letter to keep her in my apartment. Considering I was in love with where I lived, I decided to take this task on as I realized she was assisting me on my healing journey. I saw three separate counselors for 6 months simultaneously, hoping I could come to a culmination point of asking for an emotional support letter. Two of the three denied me, but the third accepted my request. Although I was seeking counseling for not quite the most sincere reasons, the counseling helped me beyond words.
It took work, but we have slowly re-opened our hearts to trusting our polar opposite masculine/feminine energies. So today, I would like to thank you, Lucy, for always being there for me through some of the most challenging and painful moments of my healing journey; you have brought innumerable joy and comfort into my life. Thank you for teaching and guiding me to open my heart and trust myself and the world around me again. Thank you for teaching me that through the hardships of commitment, I can genuinely find harmony and peace within and without.
