healing the masculine wounds & psyche

 The first five years of my healing journey were about healing all aspects of my psyche related to the feminine, which is always continuing. In the last three years, I began to pray to heal my masculinity and to invite more brothers into my life on a similar path. I thought that healing all the wounds around the feminine was a strenuous process, but the unresolved masculine wounds run deep into our gut, blood, and ancestry.
One of the deepest wounds I have experienced in myself and the collective wounds of masculinity is the shame around asking for help and the despair around feeling like you need to do it alone to prove to yourself that you are a man.
The first ayahuasca ceremony I made this prayer was by far the most physically painful ceremonies I have experienced to date. There was one man I admire very much in the ceremony, and every time he would sing, I would go into a gut-renching purge. Typically, once you purge, a ceremony becomes lighter; this was not the case. I began to dry purge every time he sang; he would stop, and I could feel him calling to me to ask him for help, and the cycle continued for hours. My mind was swirling in confusion, wanting to push through alone but also wallowing in the shame of dire desperation to ask for help. There is a difference between experiencing a metaphysical death in the psychedelic space and actually being in physiological danger. I felt like I was going to break a rib from the intensity of the dry purges. My lips began to crack from dehydration, and I became very concerned for my physical safety. This went on for three or four hours until I found myself practically crawling out of the ceremony. I laid myself down outside of the ceremony, where I could find some rest from the process. These angels came out to check on me with not much time left in the ceremony. I have felt these brothers with me as I continue my journey of teaching others. You can feel very disoriented during a stronger ceremony, and it is important to not waste time asking for help, maybe to use the restroom, obtain water, or a skilled facilitator can help you get the purge out.
Side note: Before all this, I did make it outside once for fresh air near a beautiful grave where a curandero had been buried. I was twenty yards out from the grave, under shelter from the rain, admiring the beauty of this beautiful burial site. All of a sudden, there were all of these spirits dancing above the grave, some of which were still inside the ceremony room. They were dancing and calling me in to dance with them, saying we believe in you.
You are not supposed to break fast until the ceremony is closed, and at that point, you share fruit together. I felt desperate for nourishment, so I pulled an apple out of my back pack. I thought about the forbidden fruit and the disrespect to the ceremony, breaking fast before the others. As I thought of this, I watched the apple in my hand start to mold. I shook my head a bit, gave it a second look, and the apple looked fresh, so I ate that fucker to help bring myself back to earth a bit. You know whats best for you, and if thats breaking fast to eat an apple, then do it. Alas, I recently found out a good way to do this is to carry salt with you, and the intensity of the salt can help calm the process.
Brothers in this realm will know how to consciously test you, break you, and teach you lessons if they have gone through a similar process. I have also experienced brothers who don't know the art of using their power to lift you up. It is a delicate process of developing the masculine psyche and developing an intuition to know when a group of people or men truly have your best interests.

The term and ideology behind Be Your Own Savior were not created to make you feel further isolated and alone on this path. My vision is to create a community of safety for other men to feel and share their process without judgment. A community of leaders that break down the heirarchal archetypes found especially deep in the masculine psyche, empowering other men to trust their own guidance in finding their own unique gifts in this life. Each person has their own path and their own lessons, and you are the only way through, with a little brotherly love along the way.