how do i feel more?
2020. I awaited midnight on the 23rd of December, 2021, to correctly say goodbye to my 33rd year around the sun. My skin crawled with gratitude for what felt like the most extreme polarity of experiences I have ever been through. There were so many moments where I wanted to pinch myself to see if I was living in the most desirable dream or, at times, trying to escape the walls of the most horrid nightmare. I realize many more horrific things people go through, but I have been through some harrowing experiences. This year topped it off by being odd, weird, indescribable, fun, and joy-filled.
As I was leaving Peru for the second time in February, many friends bid me farewell, warning me of the difficulties of integrating work with ayahuasca (I will link a description) in the United States. The day I landed back in the States, portals to my healing and psyche rapidly unfolded. I immediately became ill with swollen lymph nodes backing toxins up in my body for two months. I reached for every natural remedy to cleanse and heal my lymph system. Towards the end of the two months, with persistent flu-like symptoms, my mental cognition was fading; I was exhausted and began believing I was dying. I was desperate for help. The doctor told me I was healthier than most, to try to back off the natural remedies and relax. That's when it clicked, trust, to trust the experience, to come back into trusting my body to heal itself. I went to a friend's farm to pray with Pachamama for my healing and the loved ones closest to me. Within 48 hours, my lymph nodes magically cleared. A testament to the power of prayer and earth connection.
All during this time, from the day I landed back in the States until the fall, I was experiencing a larger handful than I thought I could bare of some of the most horrific dark sexual dreams I wouldn't want anyone to endure. I would awake from the dreams feeling as if my soul had left my body. I would immediately begin to pray, sing, dance, and fight for my life. This recovery period would take anywhere from two to five days, often having to take work off. I believe some dreams might be reflections of our subconscious, but some are speaking and guiding us directly. They also showed me that I hold a dark animalistic nature that can pass on tremendous harm and how to channel that into life, love, and guidance. I share this as a testament that works with ayahuasca should not be taken lightly, and months of integration should always be considered.
All this happened while attempting to navigate a new relationship, which was very taxing on us both. For the first time in my life, I had to be the one to say goodbye, as it was becoming too much for my psyche and nervous system to handle. Thankfully throughout the last few months of the year, with a set of relationship and ancestral kambo (I will link description) clearings, time to integrate alone, and lots of time in nature, I was able to ground and level out my nervous system.
A letter to myself.
Thank you for learning to accept and receive love from you and those strong souls around you. To see yourself and your family through the muck and not to give up hope. Thank you for learning to be gentle and forgiving to yourself and those around you. Thank you for being strong, resilient, and patient. Thank you for learning to see the light in what felt like, from my perspective, the darkest of corners. Thank you for opening your eyes in gratitude for the lessons and teachings all your experiences bring. Thank you for staying true to yourself and standing up for yourself. Thank you to the strong souls that stood by me. As I awaited midnight on my birthday, I was grateful to say goodbye. Goodbye to the hurt boy who has been holding me hostage. Goodbye to all that doesn't serve me. Goodbye to the story of love means sacrifice. Thank you, 33, but good fucking riddance.
