Last few years & my Dieta’s
I want to start by saying my situation and diagnosis are uncommon. I do not want my story to make others apprehensive about approaching Ayahuasca. I want to say that I believe people new to medicine must sit in trusted lineage-held medicine circles.
Ok, here it goes.
I advocate authenticity, transparency, and vulnerability if you have been following my story. Going public with my past and story has been incredibly tumultuous, especially considering my work, worrying about others' judgments, or not being able to attract clients. At this point, things have come full circle; I have worked through this and am ready to share. I know deep within my soul, and I have been witnessing, that I draw the perfect match for anyone wanting to receive or work with me when I stay true to myself and say fuck what people think. So here is what I promised, my recent happenings over the last few months and years and my first three-month Shipibo dieta.
Earliest this year, I separated from my partner, who I still love on all the most profound levels; not only did I separate from her, but her now 9-year-old son. It was my first healing container relationship, or at least we did our best at making it this. It was a beautifully intense relationship, with so many successes on both ends, teachings, and personal lessons. It was one of the hardest things to let go of, feeling such a deep love for my partner and her son, with whom I also had a strong connection. In the past, I let relationships spiral due to my codependent tendencies; as hard as it was, this time, I found the strength to set us both free. Many times her son and I experienced dreams and physical sensations simultaneously. Off and on, over these two years, her son and I shared many stomach issues. I felt an unexplainable amount of guilt for leaving, although we both knew it was happening, having to part ways twice before in two years. If that doesn't explain the intensity of the healing happening, I don't know what will portray that message. I know one day we will stand beside each other and tell our story, as I know many would benefit from learning about stepping into a healing container while still in the depths of our journeys.
I felt deficient and depressed for a few months after leaving, losing inspiration for life, work, and art. I knew that I needed help, and not the normal, just sitting in a few ceremonies. I had felt the call to a traditional Shipibo dieta, but the Shipibo-style ceremony was so different from the typical Brazilian style I was used to I was terrified. Brazilian style is all night, around a fire, celebrating dancing and deep work in the beginning; a Shipibo diet is complete isolation for the most part, and ceremonies are done in total darkness, in my experience now, reaching to the depths of our cells and souls. I have had an aversion to the metaphorical dark because past partners and friends were obsessed with and pulled into, taken over by that side of duality.
Separating from my little family three months before leaving made preparing for this journey hard; I felt alone, scared, and unsure of the future.
Upon arrival at the center, the unbelievable facilitators made me feel more comfortable by the minute. Upon meeting the maestro, Reshin Nika, I felt such a sense of safety; I immediately thought I could put my life into this maestro's hands, so I did, surrendering every ounce of my being to the experience. I told him about my past, childhood, medicine work with Ayahuasca, and the issues in my stomach. I was diagnosed with two air spirits in my lower abdomen, one on each side, also known as Matahduray in the Shipibo tradition. The maestro explained that he found in his dreams that the spirits in my stomach were connected to three women in my life, and I immediately knew who he was talking about. Feeling into with my intuition, I knew these spirits were attached to even more past partners. Reishin theorized that I have been linked to these women and spirits through many lives, so technically, they are ancestral spirits. The part that brought humor to the diagnosis is that he said one of us pissed on the wrong tree in a past life, causing all this. He ended the conversation by saying, 'I need to call upon the spirit of the jaguar to rid you of these spirits.' I was immediately terrified and aroused to eliminate these fuckers from my body. There was a three-day period during my dieta where I would see these overlapping multidimensional jaguars spiraling underneath or around my closed eyes every time I would close my eyes; I assume he had called upon the spirit during that period.
In a traditional Shipibo dieta, you drink a master plant alongside Ayahuasca for a specified healing nature; I was given a soup of plants coined "The Reshin Especial," or "A Las Plantas De Amor." I was immediately concerned about why I couldn't know the plant names, but it also sounded like a desert, so I was all in. Eventually, I got him to tell me the two plants in the mixture of secret plants that specifically helped to heal and rid these spirits in my stomach, Ishpanga, and Cortedera, "Chord cutting plants."
In an average diet, you drink every three to four days. To dig deep into these layers of my healing, I had to drink Ayahuasca on days 1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 13, 15, and 17, which is a total of 8 ceremonies in 18 days. I am thankful they didn't tell me this information beforehand, but by day 7, I asked if it was customary to drink this often in dieta, to find out no, you're a unique dieta cookie.
Healing these Matahduray air spirits was my journey's most inexplainable and otherworldly part No matter how much Ayahuasca I drank, even a sip; the spirits would sometimes grow to the size of a softball inside my stomach, moving, shaking, and doing anything possible to stay inside me It was excruciatingly painful and uncomfortable when they would show their face by growing and moving around in me There were many moments of despair early in the diet, feeling like this was just me, forever. I often tried to wrap my mind around blaming one of the women for 'giving these to me.' Although over time, I realized that it was only when I stood in my power and confidence with my work that they left me. I began to be grateful for the opportunity to heal these spirits, knowing I could help others with similar issues in the future.
During ceremony number three, I remember going up to Reshin and telling him, "Please help me get these fucking things out of me." Through dreams and a combination of fighting for my life, force, self-acceptance, love, and an extreme surrender to relax into the experience, we rid my body of these spirits in the second-to-last ceremony. He sang to them, massaging my stomach with specific curative oils while giving cleanings, or limpias, to all dieters/a's.
The spirits would leave in small amounts, most of which would leave me outside the ceremonies in a few dreams. Almost every night, I could feel the presence of Ayahuasca, many times going into visions before falling asleep. One dream in particular felt so unexplainably real; it was terrifying. I sat in my bed in my casita; it began to get windy, and my bug netting was swirling everywhere. It started to rain and thunderstorm heavily. I wanted to get help, but I felt like the wind would take me away, so I stayed put. Suddenly, I could hear what sounded like metal hitting rock behind me. I peeked over the backside of my bed and could see what looked like a creepy dead soul made of bones. He was digging a hole behind my casita. The clanking of the shovel made fear run through every ounce of my being. I remember Reishin, the maestro, telling me, whatever happens, try to relax into it. So, although I was scared shitless, I began to breathe and lay back down, breathing, telling myself to relax. As I did this, I began to hear Reshin singing his jazzy icaros, making me feel calm and protected. All of a sudden, an image of Reshin came out of the sky and hovered above my stomach, singing his icaros; he sucked one of the two spirits out of my stomach, spit it into a bottle, capped it, threw it to the grave digger behind my casita, who continued to bury it in the ground I awoke simultaneously stunned by the realness of the dream while celebrating the relief of one of the two spirits leaving my body.
I reached the depths of paradox in this dieta, feeling and seeing immense beauty and what sometimes felt like pure horror, which I also began to see as beauty, seeing the beauty in the darkness and beauty in it all. One of the more beautiful aspects of this dieta was becoming more attuned with the weather and animals. I often felt so intrinsically connected to them, the birds, the butterflies, feeling their moving energy inside me as they danced around me. One bird, in particular, followed me everywhere, sang to me, followed me to ceremonies, and watched over me when I felt like running from the center. The weather followed my feelings, trusting what it told me, whether to keep dancing through the storm or steer clear of a particular person or place in the dieta; it was speaking to me so loudly.
I have never been in so much awe of the majesty of this medicine and how it brings you exactly what you need, whether that be visions, sensations, or a specific person's energy to remind you of the past and watch them transform and do their work.
The biggest lessons I brought out of these three months in the jungle were to love and accept all parts of myself, to not expect so much from myself or others, to quit running perfection, and to allow myself and others to be exactly where they are To love and see the beauty in the darkness, pain, and fear, that everything has a purpose. There is divinity in it all, not just the light and the love. To find comfort in the mystery, unknown, and darkness. To learn to go with the flow, not have such high expectations, and remember that everything is happening for me and not to me, to constantly learn and grow from even the people and places I need to walk away from.
